Seventh day Adventist pastor Ephraim Mutoya has urged married men to rethink how they respond to infidelity in marriage, calling on husbands to extend the same forgiveness to their wives that they often expect for themselves.
Speaking on matters of marriage and reconciliation, Pastor Mutoya said that when a wife cheats, divorce should not be the immediate reaction. Instead, he encouraged couples to pursue forgiveness and healing.
“When a wife cheats, do not rush to end the marriage,” he said. “Forgive her and work on rebuilding the relationship. Many women have forgiven their husbands for similar mistakes. Men must also learn to forgive.”
Pastor Mutoya challenged the long-held belief that a woman’s unfaithfulness is more destructive to a marriage than a man’s.
He described such thinking as unfair and rooted in outdated cultural attitudes that have no place in modern Christian marriages.
He pointed to the traditional saying in ci-Bemba Ubuchende bwamwaume tabutoba ing’anda, which suggests that a man’s infidelity does not destroy a home.
According to him, such views promote double standards and undermine the principles of equality and mutual respect that should define marriage.
“It is unjust to assume that when a woman commits adultery, the marriage must automatically collapse, while a man’s infidelity is tolerated,” he said. “Marriage must be governed by the same standards for both husband and wife.”
Pastor Mutoya emphasised that forgiveness is a cornerstone of Christian teaching and should be practiced by both partners. He noted that while infidelity is painful and damaging, it does not have to be the end of a marriage if both parties are willing to seek reconciliation.
He acknowledged that rebuilding trust after betrayal is not easy and requires commitment, humility and open communication. However, he insisted that couples who choose forgiveness often emerge stronger.
“Forgiveness does not mean ignoring the pain,” he said. “It means confronting the issue, seeking counselling where necessary, and choosing to rebuild rather than destroy.”
Pastor Mutoya serves as District Pastor for the Ganerton Mission District in Kitwe under the Northern Zambia Union of the Seventh day Adventist Church. In addition to his pastoral duties, he works as a marriage counsellor and life and relationship coach.
Having been married for 22 years, he said his views are informed not only by scripture but also by years of counselling couples facing marital challenges.
He observed that many marriages collapse not simply because of infidelity but because of pride and unwillingness to forgive. In some cases, he said, men are quick to condemn their wives while overlooking their own past mistakes.
“Marriage is a covenant,” he said. “It requires grace from both sides. If we expect mercy, we must also be prepared to show mercy.”
Pastor Mutoya encouraged couples to seek guidance from church leaders or professional counsellors before making irreversible decisions. He stressed that every situation is unique and must be handled with wisdom and sensitivity.
He also called on communities to abandon cultural norms that excuse male misconduct while harshly judging women.
“Both husband and wife are accountable,” he said. “There should be no sacred cows in marriage. What is wrong for one is wrong for the other.”
His remarks have sparked conversation among congregants and the wider community, with many reflecting on the role of forgiveness in sustaining families.
While acknowledging that some cases of repeated abuse or unrepentant behaviour may require different interventions, Pastor Mutoya maintained that forgiveness and reconciliation should always be considered first.
“Families are the foundation of society,” he said. “Before we break them, let us ask whether we have truly done everything possible to restore them.”
He concluded by urging couples to prioritise communication, mutual respect and faith in navigating marital challenges.
“In marriage, both partners will make mistakes,” he said. “The question is not whether failure will occur, but how we respond to it. Let that response be guided by love, fairness and forgiveness.”
